Crossfit Comas & Sexy Bitches

Being the exaggerated extrovert that I am, if I go any stretch of a day without someone to talk to, I come home jabbering away like a sideshow parrot. It’s not the feature of mine that Captain Introvert Boyfriend is most fond of, I can assure you.

Yesterday however, I found myself in what Boyfriend coined a “Crossfit Coma”. When I got home from my romp with Hybrid Athletics, I was not interested in talking or being spoken to, I didn’t care what Boyfriend’s day had been like, and the thought of cuddling made me queasy. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and never move again.

However, that part of my “Crossfit Coma” was only the tip of the iceberg. Boyfriend wasn’t around to see me turn green as I put away my weights at the gym, nor did he watch me fight the urge to faint as I stumbled to my car in the parking lot. He also missed the 10 minutes where I sat motionless in my car with all the doors open in a futile attempt to stop my head from spinning. It wasn’t pretty.

So, here’s the workout that kicked me into my coma:

POWERLIFTER’S WARM UP (WU)

25-Yard Sled Pulls (Forward & Backwards x 3)

Just as it sounds, they give you a sled with weights on it, and you drag it across the floor for 25 yards. You have to drag it while move forwards, and then pull it and walk backwards to complete one rep. I never bothered to ask exactly what the weight was, but for the first 2 rounds there were what looked like two 45lb. plates on the sled, and then they added another 45lbs. for the last set.

Glute Walk (20 steps each leg x 3)

With a thick rubber band around your ankles, you bend your knees and set your feet about shoulder-width apart. Without letting the band go slack in between, take 20 wide steps to the left, and 20 wide steps to the right. The first direction isn’t so bad, but by the time you’re on step 15 going back, you can really feel it.

Bandy Russian Deadlift (RDL) (20 x 3)

It’s the motion of a regular deadlift, but you’ve got a thick rubber band looping under both feet and up, over your neck. It’s simple enough, and not very strenuous. More of a mobility exercise to prepare you for the actual thing.

YTW w/ Tubing (10 each x 3)

With a length of tubing around a pole at should height, hold one end in either hand and stand with your arms straight out in front of you, far enough back from the pole that there’s no slack in the tubing. As if you’re the victim of a shitty DJ at a young couples wedding, stretch your arms up into a “Y” shape 10 times, just as you would for the “YMCA” dance. Then, make a “T” shape 10 times, keeping your wrists in line with your shoulders. Finally, make a “W” shape 10 times, so that you elbows are beside your ribs and your wrists are by your shoulders.

SWOD (Strength Workout Of the Day)

As if the regular WOD wasn’t enough, sometimes they throw a little extra torture at you in the form of a SWOD. First, they gave us 10 minutes to find our  90% Deadlift. For those not familiar with lifting, a 90% Deadlift is a lift that’s 10% less than something you could lift only once, exerting absolutely all your effort (otherwise known as a 1 Rep Max, or 1RM). My 90% Deadlift landed at 122lbs.

 10 Minute EMOM: Deadlifts & Box Jumps

“EMOM” is a deceptively cute-sounding acronym that stands for “every minute, on the minute.” In the case of this SWOD, it meant that we did a 90% Deadlift, followed by a Box Jump, every minute, for 10 minutes. As I detailed in a previous post, Box Jumps and I really don’t get along. Luckily, they let me use the 24″ padded box, which don’t psych me out the way the wood ones do.

WOD: Christine (x 3)

5oom Row

12 Deadlifts @ Bodyweight

21 Box Jumps

Similar to the dreaded Dirty Thirty WOD, Christine was scored for time. We had to cycle through everything 3 times, and then see how long it took us. I came in at 17 minutes, but I wouldn’t count it officially. I can’t even do a 1 rep Deadlift with my current bodyweight, so I used about 100lbs. instead, and I modified the last 2 rounds of Box Jumps so that I was stepping up, rather than jumping on with both feet.

Having done the WOD as I did it, I’m not convinced I could have physically completed it any other way. By the time we all finished, I was an absolute wreck!

This doesn’t even begin to describe how tired I was

What a bitch…

As I put my weights away, I got the sinking sense that I was about to vomit, which was only worsened by the guy that tried to flirt with me while I was red-faced and sweating like I’d just visited the sun. Seriously, dude?

Furthermore, all my feelings of utter defeat were exaggerated tenfold by the gorgeous blonde chick who rocked the whole workout in a fraction of my time, lifting what must have been twice her bodyweight, and then sauntered off with little more than a seductive glisten of sweat highlighting her brow. It was like she came from some genetically engineered race that had been specifically designed to look hot at all times.

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